Tag Archives: faith

Reaching the Limit

There are times all through life,

We feel our limit has been met.

I’ve been at this crossing so often,

It’s a benefit to never forget.

I don’t forget the days,

I didn’t have the strength.

Days I couldn’t fake a smile, I hurt so much,

I could almost faint.  

 

I remember the times

I thought all my will was gone.

Remember the times I laughed,

When people told me I was strong.

Because would they still say that,

If they saw me here crying?

Would they still feel the same,

If they knew I welcomed the thought of dying?

 

That space completely blinds me,

Where I can’t see or create anything ahead.

My energy is drained, spirit crushed,

Any and all positivity is dead.

Because I’m in my head,

And not in my heart.

I let the stress manifest,

And it breaks me apart.

 

The key is to remember,

The days that limit broke,

I found the strength to go on,

My spirit stopped being choked.

Sounds like a joke,

But we must remember both.

The days it rained,

The days it shined.

The memory of breaking free,

From the limits that confined.

 

Copyright June 2018
-IxChel Tonantzin-

Quitting Isn’t Always Giving Up!

My last post from January spoke about fear and how I’ve let it hold me back for so long. Throughout the closing of this chapter in my life I’ve realized that I let fear dictate so much of my life up until now.

I’ve been working for a certain employer for the past few years and over the last 2 years I’ve had every action, minute, emotion, tone, and word picked apart, scrutinized and dissected. I went through my phases; stress, anger, frustration, sadness and relief. The whole environment was toxic. Toxic to my health, energy and I had to shake that!

So I did! And you know what I manifested?! Exactly what I wanted!

Then to top it off, I was welcome with love, congratulations, encouragement and all around goodness from everyone, even strangers!! My spirit and body already feels like it’s been raised to a higher level and I’m not even done transforming yet! That’s what the most exciting part! So I encourage you to take your leaps! Honor your process but remember fear will not be a means to your happiness so shake it!

 

 

Constant Appreciation

Life in general is hard when you look back at everywhere you’ve been, who you’ve lost, mistakes you’ve made, and possibly secrets you still hold. But when you’re in a place of security, safety and pure love we are not bound by the past. We’re free to accept the past for what it was and who it made up and move forward with the lessons the past has provided. There is a sense of freedom when I look back on all the things that could have took me down another path, had I had chosen another option.

Just yesterday I was standing in the store picking out some snacks and I felt this wave of fluttering nervousness rise up in my stomach. When I looked to my left, my king was walking down the aisle toward me. It made me think of the first time I met him. Meeting this random guy from the internet who told me he just wanted to hook up. And no matter how much I told my friends or myself that he wasn’t anything to me, he was everything without even knowing. To the point where my spirit can feel him hitting a corner before my eyes even saw him. It was touching. Even not typing out what happened and what I felt brings tears of joy to my eyes and makes the love in my heart beat harder with every muscle contraction.

The other night I had another dream about my son, my soon-to-be son. The first time I met him was a few weeks ago following the night I dreamt of our soon-to-be daughter as a teen. I knew it was our son not only because his smile, eyes and looks were a perfect blend of my king and I but I could feel his spirit, his happiness and his joy when he saw me. I’ve never felt that before. I felt like he is a part of me and I can feel everything he feels. Sometimes it’s scary to talk about or profess things that you have no way of knowing but that’s only when we let society and our past determine how we feel. I felt that was my son greeting me before he makes his grand entrance. I feel that although I interpreted the order of I dreams to tell me the order of I children, my son came to me and told me that he would be first. Although I’m scared to say this because I’m scared to be wrong… I feel like my son was speaking to me from the womb. Although I haven’t confirmed if I’m pregnant or not… My spirits tell me InI am.

Waiting patiently.

Higher Consciousness

We’ve officially passed the one year mark of our 1st year in Colorado and our 2nd year of marriage! The things we’ve accomplished since we migrated east are truly astounding. After some speed bumps with racist employers and money I have to say that I honestly wasn’t a believer when my husband told me that we would purchase our first home before the 1 year mark. That year mark was March 1st. High and behold, I King was right! We purchased a ranch home, 4 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, an attached garage and over 8,000 square feet! We’ve been here over a month now and I’m still in awe when I sit back and breathe for a second.

Besides being blessed with a house I’ve been blessed with an abundance of eternal life through the wisdom I’ve attained, an amazing husband, a family, and everything I do and don’t have. To be in a place where you can appreciate everything that happens (even if the “appreciation” is somewhat delayed) is completely peaceful. There’s still been times of stress, sadness, anger, frustration but getting to that next step of moving past the negative and making a positive gets easier with each struggle.

Sometimes I eyes tear up over different things and a few minutes later I realize there is a smile on I face at the thought of the volumes of faith to which I life speaks. Other times I’m flooded with period of spoken word until I feel I’m trying to force something to happen. At that moment I remember it’s better to speak less and listen more because too many people talk about what they do not overstand. Then I have times of confining my feelings through periods of speechlessness and I realize balance is the key. And to maintain balance you have to practice. That is what this life is to me now, practice for bigger, more important things to come.

Through this first year of having I crown locc’d and walking I life in the Vow of the Nazarite way, life has become so much clearer, so much easier to deal with, so much easier to enjoy when you know and overstand the things through this life that matter. When your mind is open, completely open, you can be more knowledgeable than any person with tons of years of education. When you can learn to access the abilities that were given to you when your body and spirit were bound as one for this short period in time, you unlock true connection to the Most High King of Kings, Creator of all Things!

One of the last things I expected was getting our business off the ground this early in the year. We’re both excited for all that is to come and to experience where this is all going to take us.

Personally, the best part of the last 4 years is my King. He’s been a great man, friend, and twin flame, I never imagined I could connect with someone this way. I love how much we learn together, sharpen each other, even finish each others sentences and say the exact same thing at the same times! I already cherish the day we plant our first seed in this world, our children have no idea how much InI love them.

I know this post is all over but it’s just how I’m thinking now… Raw, real, right now.

Heat & Growth

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Yesterday I sat back in our reclining, massaging, theater seating and thought to myself “I still can’t believe this is all ours.” From the way everyone treated me for my mistakes growing up I sometimes expected to never have anything of value. After leaving California and the heavy shadow my family casts over InI, InI have realized that things of value can not be seen, held, or sold. Things of real value can only be felt. But even though InI know this InI am imperfect and sometimes I still measure my success with monetary things. And when that thought came across my mind yesterday I couldn’t help but think “This is why no one is happy for me! I’m mentally and spiritually awake AND I have the monetary possessions that my family uses to measure success!!”

Nothing ever prepares me the sting of sadness that follows when weeks go by and I don’t hear from anyone in my family; or updates are sent out and my own sister doesn’t even congratulate me on being a new home owner. Although I overstand why these people are not in my direct life anymore it still hurts. This morning I woke up with a heavy sadness on my heart. I’ve been trying to shake it all day and I can’t. I can’t stop the random tears, I can’t even stop thinking about feeling sad. How sad is that?
It’s so easy to get upset when people treat you differently. Especially when you give your righteous heart and soul to everything you do.

After experiencing this treatment while I worked for LA County for 8 years and here in my current position I’ve come to realize that people treat me like this when they are threatened. Although it may not be the best treatment, overstanding the reason behind people’s actions brings me a small amount of comfort. What really helps me to trod on is my husband, my king, my twin flame. He always consoles me by using the exact same things I tell other people for comfort and advice. I’m so grateful to the King of Kings for letting me re-connect with my twin flame so that we can conquer this world of evil, Babylon. With my King InI can conquer everything! JAH RASTAFARI!!!!

Being Ready Doesn’t Matter

I’ve been out of work for a week or eight now and I was ready to start working after just two weeks. It was enough time to get our basic relocation things done and I had a few offers but chose something that wasn’t what I felt was for me. Although I’m so happy that my husband has started working all of our house buying plans are on hold until I get my first paycheck.
I’ve always heard my dad say “I was born ready!” When we called out to him and I had a moment like that JUST now. I want to buy this home and get started with getting into our new life and I can always feel myself over anxious and stressing. When I heard my dads voice and saying want to come out of me my very next thought was quiet and a sense of relaxation came over me as I heard myself tell myself that it isn’t God’s time for me yet. Then I thought, all this stress and worry is going to be laughed at one day! I’ll look back at this from the job of His choosing and think “Wow Tina, you still had doubt after all He’s blessed you with! Now look where your at!”

Patiently waiting for that day!

Blind Faith

Throughout my adult life I’ve realized that the encouraged use of book knowledged has seriously crippled my ability to trust God blindly. Our society depends so much on money and material things to live that we’ve dismissed God until someone is sick or a test needs passing. God deserves so much more that a last resort relationship from us.

When I was saved in 2009 and baptized in 2010 I didn’t realize how much more my faith and loyalty would be tested. Sometimes I need my husband to remind me to have faith and sometimes I don’t but the reassurance always brings us closer. There are times we both fail and one encourages the other; that’s one of the reasons I love our marriage.

I believe having blind faith will become easier with practice and maturity. I might be 27 but there are still things about me that can be childish sometimes and those are the reasons I know Jah tests us. But anything that makes me stronger against the prince of darkness I welcome with open arms. Can’t expect to beat the enemy without practice!

Struggling to Freedom

Last night, or this morning, I had a dream that I was trying to take a backpack off me and I couldn’t. I woke up sucking for air then realized that I was a little sick. Usually when I get up too early I browse my social media apps. This morning the residue of the dream sat heavy on my soul. So I decided to just lay there and think about what my dream may have meant.

My conclusion was much deeper than getting a backpack off me. I feel it was more about fighting for my freedom  There are so many things about myself that I haven’t been open about because I know certain people won’t evsn bother to listen to my reasoning. Yesterday, I was able to let one of my secrets out yesterday to two people that are dearly close to me  And it felt liberating!!!

Five days left until we move and Monday is my last day at work.

Faith > Satan

Last Friday I got paid, gave my entire check to rent, then got a letter saying I had a “failure to appear” and there was a hold on my license. I damn near lost my mind over the constant struggle to get by in this state and there it was, nipping at my heels as I run toward a dream! And just to spare yall the extensive details, my long weekend was rough. I might always promote having faith but I’ve never said it was easy and the notice on Friday was not only a test but a blessing.

While watching The Marley Africa Road Trip I heard Ziggy Marley say “Everything that happens is for a reason.” And that truth didn’t hit me until today when my husband and I met a lawyer with ADD willing and offering to give away free advice to someone standing next to us. After we were done getting our license cleared we sat and spoke with him for about 30 minutes and discussed many of the same issues and also educated us and offered us assistance with my husband’s LAUSD harrassment problem.

I love the way God works in our lives. As I sit here watching a thriller movie set in Colorado! Haha I love the Lord’s sense of humor and confirmation of His plans!