Have you ever gone somewhere new thinking you were well enough equipped to handle whatever might come along? I had somewhat of an idea what moving out of the city meant but I wasn’t completely ready for the huge shift we were taking on when we moved to New Mexico. There’s something different about using the restroom outside, squatting and feeling nothing but fresh air when you step out of the shower! It’s a different feeling to be so close to Mother Earth, feeling undisturbed dirt and sand between my toes and cold mountain air when I step outside is life-giving and challenging at the same time.
I’ve tripped over rocks, fell down the back of a trailer, moved hay bails (which for some reason I keep calling barrels lmao!), walked down the road in the middle of the night and heard coyotes sounding off all around me… And all I can say is, it’s been crazy! Since 2005 I’ve been putting myself into situations that I haven’t been exposed to and it’s been helping me to understand different types of people. I’ve experienced people who society would label as “bad” and experience relationships with them that have been life saving and changing in my journey. Gradually I’ve been leaning more toward experiencing life in a balanced way.
A few years ago I got a birth chart reading from my Reiki Master and I’ve been learning more and more about myself each year I continue to study it. Since I was young I’ve heard myself say things in my head that my filter has been like “That’s a pretty crazy and kind of dark thought for someone your age.” I’m also a heavy Scorpio all throughout my chart. A sign ruled by water, emotions and the power to destroy and create. I wasn’t ready to accept who I was for a long time but I’m there now and I’m unapologetic.
I’ve been there for and supported people who didn’t really love me most of my young adult life, I’m capable of giving until I’m spent and inflated. I’m also capable of hurting some feelings, I’ve got a sharp tongue and a tough spirit that won’t back down for the things I love and the people I care for. For the last few years I’ve been learning how to balance out that extreme love and anger. For a year or two I thought the answer was changing my mindset to always shift to positive when “bad” things happened. It helped but it didn’t honor who I was inside and I still hadn’t learned to balance.
Balance, balance, balance and balance is what my ancestors have been spiritually beating into me for the last decade… I JUST realized it lol. So that’s where I’m at… In a situation totally out of my comfort zone, setting the foundation for people I might not have even met yet and balancing my love and anger just enough to achieve the balance I need to be my best self for my high purpose journey on this Earth. I’m about to show yall what balance is hahaha!
Throughout my adult life I’ve realized that the encouraged use of book knowledged has seriously crippled my ability to trust God blindly. Our society depends so much on money and material things to live that we’ve dismissed God until someone is sick or a test needs passing. God deserves so much more that a last resort relationship from us.
When I was saved in 2009 and baptized in 2010 I didn’t realize how much more my faith and loyalty would be tested. Sometimes I need my husband to remind me to have faith and sometimes I don’t but the reassurance always brings us closer. There are times we both fail and one encourages the other; that’s one of the reasons I love our marriage.
I believe having blind faith will become easier with practice and maturity. I might be 27 but there are still things about me that can be childish sometimes and those are the reasons I know Jah tests us. But anything that makes me stronger against the prince of darkness I welcome with open arms. Can’t expect to beat the enemy without practice!
Since I’ve been considered an adult (18 years old) I’ve run into unfair treatment everywhere; work, home, streets, and private entities. After nine years of always coming up short when attempting to get up off the ground I believe I’ve finally experienced an obvious outcome of greed in my own life.
Yesterday we had the chance to take someone to small claims court for running a red light and hitting us two years ago. We received a settlement offer before we took them to court and declined because we were misinformed by our lawyer about a majority of the details of the case. As I stood in front of the judge after hearing that he determined we were not at fault for the accident and heard how much he was rewarding us, my heart dropped. It’s not even enough to cover our lawyer fees. Despite the victory I felt like we had lost again. That’s when I realized that we were being greedy.
Yes, we wanted to have someone determine this lady was at fault and that in fact her light was red but we wanted more money for everything we’ve lost as a result of that accident too. “How selfish!” I thought to myself in that splitting second. We got what we wanted but because the amount wasn’t what we wanted I was sad?! I hung my head in shame for a few seconds to ask God for forgiveness.
It hasn’t been easy to get over, once we saw where the miscommunication hurt us. Personally, I think we were trying to hit the jugular with this case because we’ve lost every other battle along the way. But that’s just it; it’s not meant for us to win every battle here on this earth. I’ve been in constant prayer all day, when I start to think about it and get angry. Not saying it’s easy but I’m going to be doing more active work on getting my heart and mind right with God. It’s a necessity, not a choice.
This morning I was driving to work listening to 99.5 FM, Focus on the Family. There was a husband and wife talking about their experience of divorce and remarriage and how God worked in their lives and brought them back together. When the woman started talking about her affair and how alone she felt with her husband it reminded me of when I was hiding something similar from my husband before we got married. As the husband on the show began to describe his anger and pain I started to cry.
The entire time I was hiding these other feelings for this other person I failed to think of someone other than me. I failed to remember the person who put me before everything and how he would feel when he found out; not IF he found out… but WHEN he found out. After 8 years of searching for the spiritual truth, one of the major lessons I’ve learned is that everything done in the dark will come to light.
When the woman was describing how she felt before the divorce, I remembered feeling the same way before my husband and I got married and before he found out about this other person. For some reason, hearing another woman talk about how she fell then say that some part of her still loved her husband moved me. She then talked about how that one little thing was her vows and it that’s when it really hit me. The day my husband and I reconciled is embedded in my mind like it was yesterday. I remember where we were at, where I stood, and what I said; but most of all I remember that look in my husband’s eye when he asked me “What am I supposed to do?” A piece of me died that day with him.
Now I’d like to think that selfishness in me died that day and he replaced it with his unconditional love because I’ve never felt so secure with a man in my life. I did the worst thing possible to him, we weren’t married and he still forgave me AND stayed to work through it together. Then something else hit me.. This couple on the radio was talking about a MARRIAGE.. not a dating relationship. But to my husband (boyfriend at the time) it doesn’t seem to have mattered because the bottom line was he loved me.
It was as I pulled into my job’s parking lot, with tears filling my eyes, when I realized that I wasn’t crying because I still felt bad but I was crying because now I can physically feel the pain he went through when he found out. I can feel it because I allowed him full access to my heart. Not that this is the first time this has happened.. BUT, it’s the first time it’s happened with a man I know I can trust to treat my heart like pure gold. No one could ever give a gift worth more than that.