Tag Archives: life lessons

Friends & Lessons

I really feel like the term “friend” is used entirely too loosely. Throughout my journey I’ve gone through so many different phases of “friends”. There was a phase when I wanted anyone to be my friend, I wanted more popular friends, I wanted friends that partied. Then I wanted friends that had connections & knew certain people in the beauty industry. Looking back at the person I’ve been growing to be and who I truly consider friends now, I can see how far I’ve come on my journey.

I was extremely insecure as a child & through my adolescent years. I had people I hung out with in grade school but they didn’t fit into societies definition of what beautiful & intriguing were. So the first sign of someone from the “popular group” talking to me I instantly ditched the people who had spent time with me & loved me for who I was. Fast forward 23 years and I only speak to ONE person from that “popular group”. No one that I tried to build a relationship with from that “popular group” made an effort to be in my life or see me all through high school. Even now, I see pictures of them all hanging out and watching eachother’s children grow up, no one makes an attempt to reach out to me or talk to me.

Over the last 5 years I’ve had my own spiritual awakening & shot out of the ground I buried myself in for the last 20+ years. I stopped pouring my energy into people that didn’t make any effort to hold a connection with me. I’ve come to learn that friendships are just like plants. They need to be cared for in the same way a plant does! Stop watering a plant and it dies. Stop giving it sun and it dies. Friendship is a 2 way street just like any other relationship! I’ve learned to stop watering plants alone.

My definition of the friendships I now want in my life are so deep that a limited number of people meet the criteria. I know this can start to sound like I’m full of ego but what I know about myself is that I love deeply, that’s part of the Scorpio in me. I can love so deeply that I’ll carry the burdens of those I love, look for a solution and support most people through almost anything with everything I have access to. I’ve come to learn that when you can love with a capacity like that, you HAVE to be selective with the energy you give to people. Giving that much energy and love to people who have no problem taking and taking will drain me and my love too quickly.

Moral of the story, pay attention to the definition of friendship you live your life by & adjust accordingly.



Authenticity at its Finest

Being authentic is something that doesn’t come easily, especially in the society we live in. The society that bombards us with psychological programming everywhere we turn; what’s considered beautiful, what’s socially acceptable, what’s “real”. In this society being authentic looks like lots of things some of us experience; things like, blood relatives praising your journey in your face and then talking about you behind you’re back, people telling you you’re brave while they gossip and laugh at you the minute you leave and it can look like people questioning you’re every motive, plan and thought out of their own personal fears and shortcomings.

Authenticity, to me, is being able to have a vision and set a plan, while also being comfortable knowing and saying “I don’t have all the answers.” Only a fool would claim to know everything about everything and I learned young that I didn’t want to be or look like a fool to anyone, especially not myself. Authenticity, in my eyes, is also being able to plow through all the negative talk, disrespectful relatives, hateful & unhappy people and still hold the vision. Sometimes holding onto the vision you have and what’s in your heart can be the loneliest stance you take because everyone isn’t on your frequency and that’s ok, that’s how the world maintains its balance. That space is also where we develop personal strength to endure the journey that was meant uniquely for us and no one else.

I have loads and loads of respect for people who aren’t afraid to tell me the truth, who don’t omit information when they’re talking to me, who have the nerve to come to me and tell me something I did or said rubbed them the wrong way because that’s the only way for me to grow and learn from that connection or interaction. So many times relationships fail or fall apart because people are too afraid to be authentic with themselves. So how can we really expect people to be authentic with us when they’re being fake with themselves? That’s unrealistic!! It’s also unrealistic to live your life not being authentic then expect and demand people be authentic with you… We get what we give from this life.

Recently my most authentic moment was realizing that I put someone I love in the position to be hurt by the same people that have hurt him over and over again since he was a child, due to my own narrow beliefs. Like many of us, I was raised to put “family first” and nothing came above family. So when I met my husband in 2010 and he told me he didn’t associate with his family anymore because of some negative situations that constantly put him in bad positions my ignorance of his experiences caused me to push and push and push. I’ve pushed for 7 years for him to keep trying, keep reaching out, keep spending time with them. People are human, I get that. But after our families both told us we would fail in Colorado and we didn’t, I thought that the next big move we made would be met with a more positive energy.

This is where I’d love to bring in being honest with yourself about who people show themselves to be. People really can’t help but be who they are. So when you see someone valuing things you don’t value, that’s a huge clue that they’re not on your frequency or vibration.

Trust what people show you over what they tell you!

After our move from Colorado to New Mexico was almost complete we decided to tell our families that we sold our house and took the money to buy the property we’ve been wanting since we left California. My husband’s family told us so many positive things and how great of a job we were doing. Next thing I know we’re getting calls from other family members telling us not to be discouraged, don’t listen to what people say, and, the famous, “so and so said you’re stupid for making that move.” Why did I expect anything different? How can people change while sitting there telling you they want the same things they wanted when they were in high school? That was dumb on my part to see no efforts in self work, loving themselves and their son more than they showed us before. And the end of it all, the person that hurt was the person I’ve loved through lifetimes.

The moral of the story is, believe people when you catch them not being authentic and be authentic enough to call a spade a spade when you see it.



Constant Appreciation

Life in general is hard when you look back at everywhere you’ve been, who you’ve lost, mistakes you’ve made, and possibly secrets you still hold. But when you’re in a place of security, safety and pure love we are not bound by the past. We’re free to accept the past for what it was and who it made up and move forward with the lessons the past has provided. There is a sense of freedom when I look back on all the things that could have took me down another path, had I had chosen another option.

Just yesterday I was standing in the store picking out some snacks and I felt this wave of fluttering nervousness rise up in my stomach. When I looked to my left, my king was walking down the aisle toward me. It made me think of the first time I met him. Meeting this random guy from the internet who told me he just wanted to hook up. And no matter how much I told my friends or myself that he wasn’t anything to me, he was everything without even knowing. To the point where my spirit can feel him hitting a corner before my eyes even saw him. It was touching. Even not typing out what happened and what I felt brings tears of joy to my eyes and makes the love in my heart beat harder with every muscle contraction.

The other night I had another dream about my son, my soon-to-be son. The first time I met him was a few weeks ago following the night I dreamt of our soon-to-be daughter as a teen. I knew it was our son not only because his smile, eyes and looks were a perfect blend of my king and I but I could feel his spirit, his happiness and his joy when he saw me. I’ve never felt that before. I felt like he is a part of me and I can feel everything he feels. Sometimes it’s scary to talk about or profess things that you have no way of knowing but that’s only when we let society and our past determine how we feel. I felt that was my son greeting me before he makes his grand entrance. I feel that although I interpreted the order of I dreams to tell me the order of I children, my son came to me and told me that he would be first. Although I’m scared to say this because I’m scared to be wrong… I feel like my son was speaking to me from the womb. Although I haven’t confirmed if I’m pregnant or not… My spirits tell me InI am.

Waiting patiently.

Heat & Growth

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Yesterday I sat back in our reclining, massaging, theater seating and thought to myself “I still can’t believe this is all ours.” From the way everyone treated me for my mistakes growing up I sometimes expected to never have anything of value. After leaving California and the heavy shadow my family casts over InI, InI have realized that things of value can not be seen, held, or sold. Things of real value can only be felt. But even though InI know this InI am imperfect and sometimes I still measure my success with monetary things. And when that thought came across my mind yesterday I couldn’t help but think “This is why no one is happy for me! I’m mentally and spiritually awake AND I have the monetary possessions that my family uses to measure success!!”

Nothing ever prepares me the sting of sadness that follows when weeks go by and I don’t hear from anyone in my family; or updates are sent out and my own sister doesn’t even congratulate me on being a new home owner. Although I overstand why these people are not in my direct life anymore it still hurts. This morning I woke up with a heavy sadness on my heart. I’ve been trying to shake it all day and I can’t. I can’t stop the random tears, I can’t even stop thinking about feeling sad. How sad is that?
It’s so easy to get upset when people treat you differently. Especially when you give your righteous heart and soul to everything you do.

After experiencing this treatment while I worked for LA County for 8 years and here in my current position I’ve come to realize that people treat me like this when they are threatened. Although it may not be the best treatment, overstanding the reason behind people’s actions brings me a small amount of comfort. What really helps me to trod on is my husband, my king, my twin flame. He always consoles me by using the exact same things I tell other people for comfort and advice. I’m so grateful to the King of Kings for letting me re-connect with my twin flame so that we can conquer this world of evil, Babylon. With my King InI can conquer everything! JAH RASTAFARI!!!!

Change is Inevitable

When my husband and I started on this journey over a year ago by entertaining the thought of moving to a state we’ve never been to, we never really knew exactly what was in store. We knew that the Lord was pulling on our hearts because He has a purpose for us but we didn’t and still don’t know exactly what is going to happen. However, we do know that throughout all of this there will be inevitable change. I’ve learned that sometimes I can be such a stickler about being organized that I don’t welcome change.

We made tons of detailed plans and tried to be as organized and proactive as possible with this move but I learned that no matter how much we plan there is no way we can cover, or think of, every hypothetical scenario. Over the last couple of weeks my husband and I have been receiving blessings left and right, some which we planned for and some that came with a change of heart and a deeper connection to God.

Now I love to listen to my husband learn how to play the guitar even though we planned to get a whole system to be able to make beats and record music. Now we have over $7,000 saved for the purchase of our first home, whereas when we left California we had a very limited amount of money available to us. Now I realize that money buys convenience not need because everything we need God put on Earth for us when He created everything. And since the “evolution of mankind” all man has tried to do is profit off of something we do not own. We don’t own this house because God owns the land. We don’t own this land because God is the Creator. Realizing all this made me a million times more grateful for everything  He has blessed us with; tons of conveniences on top of all our needs.

Learning all this is like a spoonful of sugar to sweeten the taste of inevitable change and demise. So now my purpose is greater. When I left California my purpose was to be a growing and learning new wife, a responsible woman, a homeowner, a mother, and an overall improving person. But now that I’ve come to this realization of change and inevitability I want to focus more on leaving behind a legacy that honors God and all His truths for the generations that are coming after us. Everyday I realize more and more that we are living in a dying world and God’s judgement is coming soon so I pray that if I live to experience judgement day that He forgive me and take me home the first time and if I don’t then I pray that He give me the strength to be the leader I wasn’t in the first place and be a soldier in his army.

Change may be inevitable but I can make it positive. Change could bring pain and sorrow but the transformation that comes from change can be used to glorify the King. So if change is inevitable then my mission in life has been declared.

You don’t know all that I hold in my heart, but you will soon.


Light at the End of a Tunnel

Most times caring about people can carry a heavy load & sometimes failing to follow your heart can carry an even heavier load. Up until recently I’ve been carrying a lot of loads. Today I realized those loads have caused me to become so guarded I’ve shut down to help. But all that is winding down to a beautiful end and exciting beginning.

Colorado Tunnel

As the days go by our apartment is becoming more and more bare, like when we moved in and our donation corner is growing. We’ve found somewhere to live and now it’s just a matter of waiting, updating resumes, applying to jobs, and saving. I feel so relieved but still a little conflicted. I’ve never wanted to disappoint my parents but I’ve been so different from the beginning and I can’t help but follow my heart and get our family started where we think our future children would flourish the most.

I’m so excited for the new lessons, people, places and blessings to come our way!


Death Before “Retirement”?

Since I’ve had this job with LA County I’ve been putting into retirement; same with my husband. We’ve decided to cash it in for our relocation to Colorado. It’s been cracking me up to see the look of terror that comes across people’s faces when I bring it up for discussion. Some people have told me that it should be used only in case of an emergency and relocation doesn’t constitute and emergency.

What if we factor in the fact that I’ve never been this stressed out, depressed, uncomfortable and unhealthy in my life. What if we factor in that although my resume looks amazing with Human Resource experience I dislike processing paperwork that hurts other people, is fraudulent, and being treated like I’m nothing every time I punch the clock. I grind my teeth, I have migraines  I need glasses from the 8 hours I spend on the computer. At what point does the security of money stop outweighing the essential elements of being alive?

If this move is going to remove stress, teeth grinding, migraines, and this gut wrenching feeling and nausea I feel every time I’m forced to lie to a co-worker because of some underhanded thing upper management is doing, it’s an emergency to me. If this move is going to be a part of the reason I get healthy and am able to conceive a child, it’s an emergency. I don’t want to be spiraling toward my death and regret that there was something I wanted to do or something I might have been able to do that I didn’t do.

Call me radical, call me crazy, call me whatever you want but my family, future family, health and happiness are more important to me than JUST money. It’s all more important than keeping a retirement and living in California for another year and with my parents. Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed and highly favored to have family that is willing and able to help me the way they always have and continue to, but this is all new to me. New marriage, new family and a new state?! I’m excited! And I know this is more than just something that I want to do; that’s the difference between making childish and mature decisions.

All I can do is make plans with my husband that we believe is what God wants us to do and either pay the consequences or reap the rewards but I refuse to sit here until I have enough for a house saved up and some, to start this family. It makes me sad, in a sense, to have so many people make it seem like we haven’t given anything a second, third or fourth thought. To some extent it makes me realize that all those times I lied, acted on impulse, overlooked deception when it was right under my nose and made immature decisions is all residue left on the vision of me. Maybe the people I’ve known for a long time are used to the person they watched grow up making bad decisions and/or reaping the rewards of a chosen life.

Today I finally had the guts to tell my dad that I had seen my guardian angel when I was a child and because of this I know that I’m chosen and I know that I’m special. I told him that this is the reason I trust my heart when I feel that God is tugging on it. My relationship with HIM is the hardest one to explain in words. And I always think the reason for that is something that humans had to create to try and describe Him. But all the words in the world couldn’t describe my Father in Heaven. So I can understand how my dad can’t understand how much my trust in God has played a role in this decision. I can understand why faith in God isn’t enough for him to simply give me his blessing to leave.

I know I don’t need his blessing but I would absolutely love to do something life changing and not feel like I’m disappointing my parents. I pray every time I become sad over this, I pray that the Lord help me never to cause my children to feel like this.  Until then, I’m doing what I have to do for my future family and I pray that my future kids can understand and accept this decision because it’s really all for them in the end. I won’t wait until I’m retired to strive for a better future for them. We are doing it now!

Weekly Writing Challenge: Wrap it Up!

After careful thought and deliberation I’ve decided to participate in this weeks Weekly Writing Challenge: Wrap It Up .

I was extremely tempted to write about the most unfortunate places my dogs have pooped but I can’t think of anything worse than on my lap and I’d rather not relive that moment in time haha!

My topic for this end-of-the-year blog is: The Top 10 Lessons 2012 Has Taught Me

1) Live to please God because He is above all things.

2) Speak your mind even if it offends people, but there is no need to be disrespectful.

3) Make an attempt to understand other people when arguing.

4) Don’t accept information from anywhere without doing your own research.

5) I love Bob Marley, Rastafari‘s, and dreads.

6) You can’t force people to care about you.

7) Family has nothing to do with blood. Family is people who are there for you when you need it and people who respect your mind and spirit no matter how different it is from them.

8) My husband is the best friend I’ve ever had in my entire life, after Christ.

9) I love the cold, snow and COLORADO!

10) And last but far from least, once a couple is married they become their own family, one unit. When that happens all old traditions die and new traditions are born.

I had a lot of fun doing this post. But realistically, there is no way one post could wrap up 2012… EXPECT ANOTHER SOON!!!

More Than A Vacation

The works of the devil

Conspire all around us.

The family in our lives,

Down to the stops of a bus.

At times we want to lash out,

Break down the people around us.

Show those that are ignorant,

No, you’re not above us.


It takes growth of character,

A willingness to be different,

To build a new legacy,

Unfamiliar to what we grew up in.

Break away from the mold!

Leave behind that old tree!

We’re starting our own book,

Just you, God and me.


We both understand

New adventures won’t be easy.

But to stay in this heap,

Just thinking of it,

Makes us queasy.


Moments I feel like crying,

I thought family would be supportive,

Draw me closer to you,

And we develop our motive.

So if trials bring us closer together,

Cause us to realize how we are unique;

I welcome every trial with a smile,

Since we’ll be developing our technique!


Let the opinions of others,

But just what they are.

Might implement one or two,

But God’s driving this car.

Keep our focus on Him,

Pray over our decisions.

Keep moving on our path,

Closer to His vision.

Those that don’t understand,

Or chose not to listen.

Will learn from our actions,

They will learn from our provision.


Our spirits yearn to expand,

To places our bodies haven’t touched.

Where others we know,

Might not want to risk so much.


In the end the choice is ours,

Stay put or see the Lord’s creations.

2013, will be more than a vacation!