Tag Archives: life

Reaching the Limit

There are times all through life,

We feel our limit has been met.

I’ve been at this crossing so often,

It’s a benefit to never forget.

I don’t forget the days,

I didn’t have the strength.

Days I couldn’t fake a smile, I hurt so much,

I could almost faint.  

 

I remember the times

I thought all my will was gone.

Remember the times I laughed,

When people told me I was strong.

Because would they still say that,

If they saw me here crying?

Would they still feel the same,

If they knew I welcomed the thought of dying?

 

That space completely blinds me,

Where I can’t see or create anything ahead.

My energy is drained, spirit crushed,

Any and all positivity is dead.

Because I’m in my head,

And not in my heart.

I let the stress manifest,

And it breaks me apart.

 

The key is to remember,

The days that limit broke,

I found the strength to go on,

My spirit stopped being choked.

Sounds like a joke,

But we must remember both.

The days it rained,

The days it shined.

The memory of breaking free,

From the limits that confined.

 

Copyright June 2018
-IxChel Tonantzin-

Ass All Out

Have you ever gone somewhere new thinking you were well enough equipped to handle whatever might come along? I had somewhat of an idea what moving out of the city meant but I wasn’t completely ready for the huge shift we were taking on when we moved to New Mexico. There’s something different about using the restroom outside, squatting and feeling nothing but fresh air when you step out of the shower! It’s a different feeling to be so close to Mother Earth, feeling undisturbed dirt and sand between my toes and cold mountain air when I step outside is life-giving and challenging at the same time.

I’ve tripped over rocks, fell down the back of a trailer, moved hay bails (which for some reason I keep calling barrels lmao!), walked down the road in the middle of the night and heard coyotes sounding off all around me… And all I can say is, it’s been crazy! Since 2005 I’ve been putting myself into situations that I haven’t been exposed to and it’s been helping me to understand different types of people. I’ve experienced people who society would label as “bad” and experience relationships with them that have been life saving and changing in my journey. Gradually I’ve been leaning more toward experiencing life in a balanced way.

A few years ago I got a birth chart reading from my Reiki Master and I’ve been learning more and more about myself each year I continue to study it. Since I was young I’ve heard myself say things in my head that my filter has been like “That’s a pretty crazy and kind of dark thought for someone your age.” I’m also a heavy Scorpio all throughout my chart. A sign ruled by water, emotions and the power to destroy and create. I wasn’t ready to accept who I was for a long time but I’m there now and I’m unapologetic.

I’ve been there for and supported people who didn’t really love me most of my young adult life, I’m capable of giving until I’m spent and inflated. I’m also capable of hurting some feelings, I’ve got a sharp tongue and a tough spirit that won’t back down for the things I love and the people I care for. For the last few years I’ve been learning how to balance out that extreme love and anger. For a year or two I thought the answer was changing my mindset to always shift to positive when “bad” things happened. It helped but it didn’t honor who I was inside and I still hadn’t learned to balance.

Balance, balance, balance and balance is what my ancestors have been spiritually beating into me for the last decade… I JUST realized it lol. So that’s where I’m at… In a situation totally out of my comfort zone, setting the foundation for people I might not have even met yet and balancing my love and anger just enough to achieve the balance I need to be my best self for my high purpose journey on this Earth. I’m about to show yall what balance is hahaha!

 

-IxChel-

Friends & Lessons

I really feel like the term “friend” is used entirely too loosely. Throughout my journey I’ve gone through so many different phases of “friends”. There was a phase when I wanted anyone to be my friend, I wanted more popular friends, I wanted friends that partied. Then I wanted friends that had connections & knew certain people in the beauty industry. Looking back at the person I’ve been growing to be and who I truly consider friends now, I can see how far I’ve come on my journey.

I was extremely insecure as a child & through my adolescent years. I had people I hung out with in grade school but they didn’t fit into societies definition of what beautiful & intriguing were. So the first sign of someone from the “popular group” talking to me I instantly ditched the people who had spent time with me & loved me for who I was. Fast forward 23 years and I only speak to ONE person from that “popular group”. No one that I tried to build a relationship with from that “popular group” made an effort to be in my life or see me all through high school. Even now, I see pictures of them all hanging out and watching eachother’s children grow up, no one makes an attempt to reach out to me or talk to me.

Over the last 5 years I’ve had my own spiritual awakening & shot out of the ground I buried myself in for the last 20+ years. I stopped pouring my energy into people that didn’t make any effort to hold a connection with me. I’ve come to learn that friendships are just like plants. They need to be cared for in the same way a plant does! Stop watering a plant and it dies. Stop giving it sun and it dies. Friendship is a 2 way street just like any other relationship! I’ve learned to stop watering plants alone.

My definition of the friendships I now want in my life are so deep that a limited number of people meet the criteria. I know this can start to sound like I’m full of ego but what I know about myself is that I love deeply, that’s part of the Scorpio in me. I can love so deeply that I’ll carry the burdens of those I love, look for a solution and support most people through almost anything with everything I have access to. I’ve come to learn that when you can love with a capacity like that, you HAVE to be selective with the energy you give to people. Giving that much energy and love to people who have no problem taking and taking will drain me and my love too quickly.

Moral of the story, pay attention to the definition of friendship you live your life by & adjust accordingly.

-IxChel-

 

Authenticity at its Finest

Being authentic is something that doesn’t come easily, especially in the society we live in. The society that bombards us with psychological programming everywhere we turn; what’s considered beautiful, what’s socially acceptable, what’s “real”. In this society being authentic looks like lots of things some of us experience; things like, blood relatives praising your journey in your face and then talking about you behind you’re back, people telling you you’re brave while they gossip and laugh at you the minute you leave and it can look like people questioning you’re every motive, plan and thought out of their own personal fears and shortcomings.

Authenticity, to me, is being able to have a vision and set a plan, while also being comfortable knowing and saying “I don’t have all the answers.” Only a fool would claim to know everything about everything and I learned young that I didn’t want to be or look like a fool to anyone, especially not myself. Authenticity, in my eyes, is also being able to plow through all the negative talk, disrespectful relatives, hateful & unhappy people and still hold the vision. Sometimes holding onto the vision you have and what’s in your heart can be the loneliest stance you take because everyone isn’t on your frequency and that’s ok, that’s how the world maintains its balance. That space is also where we develop personal strength to endure the journey that was meant uniquely for us and no one else.

I have loads and loads of respect for people who aren’t afraid to tell me the truth, who don’t omit information when they’re talking to me, who have the nerve to come to me and tell me something I did or said rubbed them the wrong way because that’s the only way for me to grow and learn from that connection or interaction. So many times relationships fail or fall apart because people are too afraid to be authentic with themselves. So how can we really expect people to be authentic with us when they’re being fake with themselves? That’s unrealistic!! It’s also unrealistic to live your life not being authentic then expect and demand people be authentic with you… We get what we give from this life.

Recently my most authentic moment was realizing that I put someone I love in the position to be hurt by the same people that have hurt him over and over again since he was a child, due to my own narrow beliefs. Like many of us, I was raised to put “family first” and nothing came above family. So when I met my husband in 2010 and he told me he didn’t associate with his family anymore because of some negative situations that constantly put him in bad positions my ignorance of his experiences caused me to push and push and push. I’ve pushed for 7 years for him to keep trying, keep reaching out, keep spending time with them. People are human, I get that. But after our families both told us we would fail in Colorado and we didn’t, I thought that the next big move we made would be met with a more positive energy.

This is where I’d love to bring in being honest with yourself about who people show themselves to be. People really can’t help but be who they are. So when you see someone valuing things you don’t value, that’s a huge clue that they’re not on your frequency or vibration.

Trust what people show you over what they tell you!

After our move from Colorado to New Mexico was almost complete we decided to tell our families that we sold our house and took the money to buy the property we’ve been wanting since we left California. My husband’s family told us so many positive things and how great of a job we were doing. Next thing I know we’re getting calls from other family members telling us not to be discouraged, don’t listen to what people say, and, the famous, “so and so said you’re stupid for making that move.” Why did I expect anything different? How can people change while sitting there telling you they want the same things they wanted when they were in high school? That was dumb on my part to see no efforts in self work, loving themselves and their son more than they showed us before. And the end of it all, the person that hurt was the person I’ve loved through lifetimes.

The moral of the story is, believe people when you catch them not being authentic and be authentic enough to call a spade a spade when you see it.

-IxChel-

 

Sky Is The Limit? That’s It?!

How many times growing up did you hear a parent or teacher say, “What do you want to be when you grow up? Sky’s the limit!” like it was big enough to hold your dreams? I’m a firm believer in no limits besides the ones you set for yourself. I hear that now and think

“Wow. The sky used to seem so big. Now it seems too small for that purpose!”

Over the past 5 years I’ve grown in ways I never imaged. I’ve realized things about my past, memories and feelings that I didn’t understand until I was where I’m at, spiritually, now. When I started writing this today I had a picture of the Universe that I wanted to share and I planned on making a point to say that the Universe is the limit. During my spiritual growth spurt I’ve learned to pay attention to the words I’m using and “limit” carries an energy that has held me back.

The definition of “limit” is (1) a point or level beyond which something does not or may not extend or pass (2) a restriction on the size or the amount of something permissible or possible. My message I leave you with today is…

YOU ARE INFINITE!!

Quitting Isn’t Always Giving Up!

My last post from January spoke about fear and how I’ve let it hold me back for so long. Throughout the closing of this chapter in my life I’ve realized that I let fear dictate so much of my life up until now.

I’ve been working for a certain employer for the past few years and over the last 2 years I’ve had every action, minute, emotion, tone, and word picked apart, scrutinized and dissected. I went through my phases; stress, anger, frustration, sadness and relief. The whole environment was toxic. Toxic to my health, energy and I had to shake that!

So I did! And you know what I manifested?! Exactly what I wanted!

Then to top it off, I was welcome with love, congratulations, encouragement and all around goodness from everyone, even strangers!! My spirit and body already feels like it’s been raised to a higher level and I’m not even done transforming yet! That’s what the most exciting part! So I encourage you to take your leaps! Honor your process but remember fear will not be a means to your happiness so shake it!

 

 

Moving in Your Worth

 

Knowing your worth is one thing. Moving in your worth is a whole different kind of challenge. I’m now noticing that although I’m aware of and clear about my worth in the business world, I don’t always act and move in accordance with what I’m saying I believe. I realized that I’m working my intentions in a half ass manner. I’m claiming that I’m making $XX,XXX amount of dollars a month but I’m here at this job that doesn’t pay me anything close to what I’m worth.

Let’s flashback to 3 years ago.

I quit my job at LA County after working there for 7 years and I did that because I was convinced that there was something bigger and better for me in Colorado.

I made the conscious leap to go after that belief. We wanted to buy a house when we got out here and we knew that we would be fighting an uphill battle working for ourselves and trying to get approved for a house so I made my focus getting a “secure” job. The first 7 months here in Colorado taught me patience and trusting in Divine timing. But during that time I also learned to go inward and focus on myself.

When I got this job, I put 200% into everything I did. I was grateful for the opportunity to work in a medical library since I love books and due to the nature of our business I knew that I would be surrounded by all the wisdom in these books. Things and people changed within my workplace, as they do, and the changes were not in my favor. So lately I’ve caught myself saying things to myself like “I need this job until…” Those words are not in alignment with what I want my reality to be.

So my message for those of you reading this is, make sure that your words and thoughts are aligned with what you really want. Only then can your actions move in your worth.

Righteous Separation

When my husband and I moved from California to Colorado, it was as if we didn’t exists to any of our family members. Over the past 2 years we’ve heard our family’s opinions through my parents telling me what other “family members” were saying. Now it’s to the point where no one wants their kids around us… Funny because I don’t agree with my 7 year old cousin knowing where my aunt’s boyfriend buys his alcohol, and that “mommy and uncle drink on (blank) days of the week” and “this is where mommy and uncle like their alcohol to be in the fridge”. Let’s not get started with all the things that my different family members do that I don’t agree with. But my husband and I partake in a herb, a PLANT that is clearly outlined in the Bible as being food, sustenance and a holy sacrament and we’re “bad people” “hippies” “rasta” “unethical”. IT PISSES ME OFF!

And when the anger subsides all that’s left is pure pain. The people who claimed all my life they loved me lied. What they should have said was “Tina we love you as long as you remain Catholic (the religion that the Spaniards came and forced onto your raped ancestors), don’t smoke weed, drink alcohol, and fall in line with the rest of society.” How can any person with even a smidgen of common sense or a brain cell not see how that would hurt? To take it even further, how can people think that not speaking to the first born niece & grand daughter wouldn’t hurt me?

The most comedic part about it all is that NO ONE in my family has been around me NOT “high” since I turned 18! I’m now 28 years old and I’ve taken care of my baby cousins, reasoned with my aunts, uncles and grandparents, completed personal and family responsibilities… All while “HIGH”, so how bad or negative of a person can I be?! I stuck around and by my family in California even though I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS felt like the odd ball, the black sheep, and the one that just didn’t fit. I almost didn’t leave the state SPECIFICALLY FOR my family.

I bet they don’t all remember when one of my aunts moved to a house about 45 minutes from the radius most of my family lived in. I think I remember being 7-10 years old at the time. I witnessed first hand certain aunts and even my more immediate household bashing my aunt. “Well of she doesn’t want to be around us then we won’t go to any events at the house!” Or “She’s the one that moved all the way out there and now she wants the whole family to go out and visit?!” It was comments like these that brainwashed me. Because for a while I was 100% on board with all their opinions. Until the day my husband suggested “What if we move to another state?” and reality hit me, i was now going to be in that aunt’s place. I’m now the person that has been cast aside as a “bad seed” or “the one that doesn’t want to be around the family.” And I wonder, if any one of these “family members” have taken 1 second to remember the reasons why we left. Reasons like… Excessive police harassment, excessive discrimination, excessive bullshit tickets, excessive wait times at the DMV, excessive money and time spent on trying to handle bullshit tickets, cost of living, air pollution, infertility, stress, low paying jobs with high stress, just to name a few.

I wonder if anyone even listened? Did anyone bother to retain it? Does it even really matter? Or did we say we were moving and get crossed off everyone’s list automatically?

Something that is of the utmost importance to me is this Vow of Separation. It is a change that I made that wasn’t taken lightly. The Vow of the Nazarites, based on Numbers 6 states ” 6 Then the Lord said to Moses, 2 “Give the following instructions to the people of Israel. “If any of the people, either men or women, take the special vow of a Nazirite, setting themselves apart to the Lord in a special way, 3 they must give up wine and other alcoholic drinks. They must not use vinegar made from wine or from other alcoholic drinks, they must not drink fresh grape juice, and they must not eat grapes or raisins. 4 As long as they are bound by their Nazirite vow, they are not allowed to eat or drink anything that comes from a grapevine—not even the grape seeds or skins.
5 “They must never cut their hair throughout the time of their vow, for they are holy and set apart to the Lord. Until the time of their vow has been fulfilled, they must let their hair grow long. 6 And they must not go near a dead body during the entire period of their vow to the Lord. 7 Even if the dead person is their own father, mother, brother, or sister, they must not defile themselves, for the hair on their head is the symbol of their separation to God. 8 This requirement applies as long as they are set apart to the Lord.
9 “If someone falls dead beside them, the hair they have dedicated will be defiled. They must wait for seven days and then shave their heads. Then they will be cleansed from their defilement. 10 On the eighth day they must bring two turtledoves or two young pigeons to the priest at the entrance of the Tabernacle.[a] 11 The priest will offer one of the birds for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. In this way, he will purify them[b] from the guilt they incurred through contact with the dead body. Then they must reaffirm their commitment and let their hair begin to grow again. 12 The days of their vow that were completed before their defilement no longer count. They must rededicate themselves to the Lord as a Nazirite for the full term of their vow, and each must bring a one-year-old male lamb for a guilt offering.”

They may seem like just dreadlocks, and it may seem like we just want to smoke but only to uneducated people who refuse to be open-minded and listen to parts of the Bible that churches skim right past, don’t explain or don’t teach! It wasn’t easy to take that vow, it wasn’t easy to vow not to attend any funerals when I haven’t last any of my immediate family. It wasn’t easy to give up drinking alcohol, or eating beef, or stop eating grapes or raisins. And it dam sure wasn’t easy to loc up my hair and watch everyone treat me as less than a person, or assume that I don’t wash my hair.

None of this is easy but InI wasn’t call to a life of ease and cupcakes. Jah has a righteous plan for InI time on this Earth and InI won’t let the negative of people, INCLUDING FAMILY, to deter InI from I mission!

JAH!!!!!!!!! RAS TAFARI!!!!!!!! ❤️💛💚

Constant Appreciation

Life in general is hard when you look back at everywhere you’ve been, who you’ve lost, mistakes you’ve made, and possibly secrets you still hold. But when you’re in a place of security, safety and pure love we are not bound by the past. We’re free to accept the past for what it was and who it made up and move forward with the lessons the past has provided. There is a sense of freedom when I look back on all the things that could have took me down another path, had I had chosen another option.

Just yesterday I was standing in the store picking out some snacks and I felt this wave of fluttering nervousness rise up in my stomach. When I looked to my left, my king was walking down the aisle toward me. It made me think of the first time I met him. Meeting this random guy from the internet who told me he just wanted to hook up. And no matter how much I told my friends or myself that he wasn’t anything to me, he was everything without even knowing. To the point where my spirit can feel him hitting a corner before my eyes even saw him. It was touching. Even not typing out what happened and what I felt brings tears of joy to my eyes and makes the love in my heart beat harder with every muscle contraction.

The other night I had another dream about my son, my soon-to-be son. The first time I met him was a few weeks ago following the night I dreamt of our soon-to-be daughter as a teen. I knew it was our son not only because his smile, eyes and looks were a perfect blend of my king and I but I could feel his spirit, his happiness and his joy when he saw me. I’ve never felt that before. I felt like he is a part of me and I can feel everything he feels. Sometimes it’s scary to talk about or profess things that you have no way of knowing but that’s only when we let society and our past determine how we feel. I felt that was my son greeting me before he makes his grand entrance. I feel that although I interpreted the order of I dreams to tell me the order of I children, my son came to me and told me that he would be first. Although I’m scared to say this because I’m scared to be wrong… I feel like my son was speaking to me from the womb. Although I haven’t confirmed if I’m pregnant or not… My spirits tell me InI am.

Waiting patiently.

Migration Isn’t Over

When I King mentioned wanting to migrate out of California 2 years ago these butterflies raised up in my stomach and I questioned everything. Now we have a home, I have a good job and we have our company picking up momentum (Zion Glory) and again the conversation about migrating out of the company sooner than the 5 years we planned on when we landed in Colorado. At first I wasn’t too sure about leaving the United States to live in a country I’ve never visited before and know very little about. But the more we talk about it, learn about it, and meet people via the internet that have made the migration the more my heart rejoices in Zion.

I feel like I’m fighting everything in me not to put our new house up for sale and leave this country to burn without InI in it. But another part of my heart tells me “It’s not yet your time” and then something positive happens with the business and I can feel that our mission is about to blow up! We’re getting great feedback from the people who signed up to receive exclusive samples of upcoming products and we’re developing newer and improved versions of our products everyday. Now I feel this burning desire for Ethiopia and I know that now is the time to advertise this Sheshemane Settlement movement using our business.

If anyone is interested in learning more about our company and what we have going on and coming up in our plans and community involvement sign up for our monthly newsletter, Rootz Report! Send an email to ZionGlory.CO@gmail.com and let us know you want to receive the newsletter!

Blessings, Love & Light. Ras Tafari!